Dear Lazies: I Feel Disconnected from My Friends

Long-Distance Friendships, Growing Apart, and Making Friends in Your Late 20s

Welcome back to Dear Lazies – a space for open reflection guided by your questions, inner dramas, and desires. Brought to you by Lazy Women’s editor-in-chief, Zsofi.

Each month, the column tackles an existential dilemma sent by our community, opening the discussion to other lazy women out there, to relate to or find comfort in sharing. Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned from 5 years of Lazy Women, it’s that the personal is political — in other words, we’re all navigating the same mess, just in different ways.

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Dear Lazies,

How do I balance maintaining friendships from a distance? I have a friend who means a lot to me, but I have felt the quality of our relationship fading for a few years. Now we’re really far apart, and I don’t know how to manage the relationship. I want her in my life, but mostly because she meant a lot to me in the past, but I feel like we’ve grown apart. Any advice?

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Hi Lazy Zsofi. What are your thoughts on seeing friends hit traditional milestones when you’re nowhere near said traditional milestones? Most people don’t measure life achievements by these milestones anymore, and many people don’t even want to get married or have kids, but do you ever see your peers announcing such things and feel a pang of anxiety? Worry that they’re committing to a new way of life that’s so far from what your friendship is? Worry that you’ll now only see them once in a blue moon? Interested to hear your thoughts. Thanks.

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Dear Lazy Writers, the dilemmas you’re facing surely resonate with many of the lazy women here. Since most of our community lives far away from where they grew up, managing long-distance friendships has become a perhaps somewhat overlooked yet essential part of the living-abroad package deal. Also, as many of us are approaching 30, naturally, disparities between our friends’ lifestyles are coming to the forefront more often than ever.

Over my twenties, through several moves and relationships, I have truly grown to see friendship as the single most important, constant glue that patches together my otherwise rather hectic life. But that doesn’t mean that my individual friendships haven’t been fluctuating. Frankly, as much advice as we are given as women about romantic love (from attachment styles to the let them theory, you name it), there are few rules to follow when it comes to friendships.

These days, I cherish my friends’ presence in my life perhaps more than ever. Time and time again, I am reminded of the importance of intentionality for long-lasting friendships, as the spontaneity of our teen years based on a similar life structure simply no longer works. As we grow older, we tend to become more individualistic, focusing more inward on personal success (whether it’s career, buying a flat, or just being completely swept up by romantic love). And so it is exactly this time when we need to focus more on carving out time for building a forward-looking friendships - make that phone call happen, buy that train ticket to see them, or just let them know you carry them in your heart.

10 types of friendships I’ve encountered as a girl living abroad in her twenties

Before getting into my answers, here’s a non-exhaustive list of the kind of friendships I have identified along the way (to be read with a bit of humour).